The light of love
When I was 25 old one wise woman asked me if she could read me a part of a Bible about Love. I’ve never been much into religion so was pretty skeptical about what she was going to say, but then she started reading….
Love is patient
Love is kind
It does not envy
It does not boast
It is not proud
It does not dishonor others
It is not self-seeking
It is not easily angered
It keeps no record of wrongs
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth
It always protects
Always trusts
Always hopes
Always perseveres.
*You can read the full version here
While I was listening I felt tears rolling down my face cause I couldn’t believe that love like this exists. I felt as if someone was squizzing my heart and the voice in my head talking ‘Love like this doesn’t exist, it can’t be”
In our society, we’ve been programmed to believe that love should be complicated, that there are struggles, that people in love should experience emotional rollercoasters, feel extremely sad, and feel extremely happy. But should the ‘extremely’ take place in something that is supposed to bring peace?
Being raised in all the romantic movies and novels about ‘painful love’ we are so into this artificial programing that when we connect to another person and we don’t see ‘struggles’ we start questioning if we are really in love. Lots of people on Earth are staying for decades in toxic and codependent relationships cause they take all the crazy emotions as a message of love.
Another important part that creates our understanding of love is our families and parents. Raise your hand if you were born and lived the first 16 years of your life in a toxic family and have never seen an example of healthy relationships (I bet there’s a forest of hands going up, mine included). Watching the unhealthy relationship patterns makes us afraid of love or the relationship, cause why in the hell we should step into something so unpleasant that we saw in our families.
Of course, we can’t stay outside of dating and loving life when we are grownups, but entering this container with broken programming leads us to a toxic or codependent relationship with our partners and beloved.
How the codependent relationships look like
Being needy
It means that in a relationship with your partner you are the one who expects them to save you – from your family, from your struggle, from life. You put on them your expectations and responsibility of making you feel happy and loved. When you don’t receive enough attention you feel offended like your partner owes you the time, the care, the love.
Being a savior
This is the opposite state when you want to be a savior. When you want to solve all the problems of your partner, to cover them from bad situations or people, to protect them under your shield and run to ‘save’ them every time they get into some shit. This way you are not allowing Life to do its job. You are putting yourself between Life and your partner. There are some lessons that your partner should learn their way, without you intervening in every step.
You can try and do this exercise and analyze all the relationships you had in your life and see what roles you played. I did it for myself and analyzed all the relationships I had between 20 and 35 years old and in each of those I was playing some of the codependent roles – expecting the partner to save me or trying to save them.
Quote
What the Universe sends you will arrive in clarity, not confusion.
How to create a healthy container for love
Start with loving yourself. It might sound like a buzz word but this is where the real work starts. If you don’t know how to love yourself you would not be able to show other people and the world around you how to love you.
Practice non-attachment – yes, you might be together as a couple but it doesn’t mean that you are the property of each other. It doesn’t mean that you or your partner should sacrifice their interests, values, and time for the sake of ‘love’. There are millions of ways to share joy, love, and happiness without stepping on each other’s boundaries.
Communicate openly – if you don’t talk about what you think or feel you are at a high risk of fucking things up fast. People can’t read our minds, we should not expect them to guess or to notice ‘signs’, and we should not punish them for not noticing. If there is a behavior, words, or anything that bothers and triggers you with your partner explain how you feel. Don’t just say ‘don’t do that but be completely open about what emotions it brings up in you, how it makes you feel and from where it comes from (it might be a childhood or previous relationships trauma). Talk and ask for support and understanding. It should work both ways, so if you see your partner being moody or concerned ask if he/she is willing to share, be ready to listen without providing any advice or suggestions, and just hold the space.
Define your Love languages – since we all are different we accept and receive Love differently. Some of us feel loved when being touched by our beloved, some like to hear the words of praise, and spend quality time together. Understanding what language of Love you and your partner prefer would help you to share loving emotions more pleasantly and openly, which will keep you both satisfied. The 5 languages approach was created by Dr. Gary Chapman who is is a well-known marriage counselor and director of marriage seminars. The 5 Love Languages is one of Chapman’s most popular titles, topping various bestseller charts for years, selling over twenty million copies, and has been on the New York Times bestsellers list since 2007. You can take the 5 love languages quiz here. Mines were words or aspirations, quality time together, and loving touch.
We would be glad to hear your thoughts on how you are dealing with relationships. Is it hard and complicated for you most of the time? Or is it light and easy, and you feel the full harmony?
Write your thoughts in the comments or join the conversation on our Instagram account where we discuss what Love means for each of us.
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by Tania L.